Remember when we used to write 'kus?

Y'all bitches are lame.  Here's a ku:

Shirtless boys are nice
Even if they have no teeth
Guess what: I love Steve

You're welcome.

Same ol', same ol'...

Hey, remember me? I just discovered Google reader and subscribed to this and about one million other blogs, so...I'M BACK BICHES! (that is if you ever really considered me here, which I wasn't really...all that much.)

Anyway, I wanted to write a haiku, but all I can think of is another shitty one about how I'm still stuck living here while I really really really really want to be somewhere else, which is what all of my haikus have been about, because it's the only think I think about day in and day out...a testament to how pathetic my life is. :( So I'll spare you.

I just threw up a lil in my mouth.

SOOOOO SCARY!

OBSESSION ... for cats.

see more Lolcats and funny pictures

Everyday Normal Crew

BABY HANDS!@!!!

How could you miss this?????

Ahhhh yessssss

Everyone's a Critic

There Aint Gonna B No Grease

Ahh, the memories, with ku

Remember that time, not too long ago, when this blog was vibrant and teaming with activity?

Or better yet... how about that time when there was more than one contributor?

Ahh... takes me back.



Haikusa Nostra
Loosely translated now means
It's dead as roadkill.

President Elect-ku

Congratulations!
Never thought I'd see the day
Hoping for 8 years

Your costumes may have been sexay...

But not sexay like this...

My Costume

You gotta love middle america and the south!

Talk about earning your badges!

Sarah Palin Exposed...

As a lousy football player (watch til the end)


Crazy Protester Interrupts Palin Interview - Watch more Free Videos

OUCH!

Ku

got nothing to ku
so I ku about nothing
and there you have it

Hate crimes?

I just realized we use the word nagger so much on here... and its visible to the whole world. Maybe we should re-thunk that? I AM NOT A BIGOT!

Scenes from a morning in the ghetto-ku

Nice day today... As I was leaving for work, i observed a guy trying to ride his old-people-mobile-chair-scooter across the street but it was runnin' out of juice. As he rocked ineffectively, attempting to make it through the crosswalk, I was about to go help him when the guy jumped off it and pushed it across the street! And he was hustlin' too! He got to the other side of the road, flipped it over, with ease I might add, fucked with the scooter's inner workings, righted that betch, sat down and rode off down the sidewalk. It was great. Great enough to ku about it...

You're not foolin me!
Guy on your old guy scooter!
you spry ass NAGGER!

HA!

http://sfbay.craigslist.org/sby/rnr/869304592.html

RTT ABChisme - Z

RTT zygote inside Kelsey's uterus?

RTT ABChisme - X, Part 2

RTT XANADU-DU-DU!!!!!!!!!

RTT ABChisme - Y

RTT yesh?

no wait, too easy...

RTT you succumbed to Piffy's yoga seduction techniques?

RTT ABChisme - X

RTT xenothermic is the perfect way to describe my personality, according to coworkers?

RTT ABChisme - W

RTT, while standing atop a stepladder, bowel movements ensue?

Bankin' It

Via a recent convo about Vicks treated kleenex, this little gem shook out from the tree of that convo...

Punch thru - when the toilet paper or wiping medium fails under your grip and your fingers come into physical contact with your own bung and poop.

Amy Winehouse

Wow, what a mess she's become. Honestly, I didn't even know she used to be so beautiful (granted the dress is hideous). But I digress... my point here is her talent. I've been listening to her at work, and I've come to realize something. Ponder something really. Why is the media all over her when she's only had one big album, and cant even pull of a performance? Well, other than the fact that shes good gossip, shes super freakin' talented. I think the media continues to follow her because they want/know she'll be back some day. Come back, Amy!

RTT AB Chisme - V

RTT Virginal Kevin?

sounds hott

http://sandiego.craigslist.org/csd/m4w/858854202.html

Feel what? Mind waves?

http://sandiego.craigslist.org/csd/m4w/854158962.html

Seriously, BEST POST EVAR!

http://sandiego.craigslist.org/ssd/m4w/854238540.html

Sexy abs!

Want to make the sexy times?

http://sandiego.craigslist.org/csd/m4w/854584442.html

That all DEPENDS

http://sandiego.craigslist.org/csd/m4w/855448523.html

CL: M4W, SAS

http://sandiego.craigslist.org/csd/m4w/855506625.html

CL: M4W

Dude... I dont even know what to say. The mustache.

http://sandiego.craigslist.org/csd/m4w/855694550.html

RTT ABChisme - U

RTT, Unbeknown to you and I, Your-Doing-It-Peter-Your-Doing-It used to be a chick?

RTT ABChisme - T

RTT Too much dancing and not enough agua on a work night makes me tired and sore?

SAS

Click on image to enlarge

Discourtesy @ the gas station

So, tonight I went to put some gas in my car. It was near Windy's place (meaning far away from the ghetto), so I assumed that even though everyone and their momma was gettin gas the same time I was, it wouldn't be bad because we're not in the ghetto... WRONG!

As Q and I waited patiently for one of the three vehicles to move, cars started piling up behind me. the car at the center pump pulled out and as I began to move towards the open spot, the car behind me swooped around and tried to cut the line. My car was partially blocking the lane but this guy still tried squeezing past. I rolled down my window and began to berate this asshole for jumping the line and not respecting the pecking order, if you will. Hand gestures, everything. This guy stops his car but rather than clear the lane so I can get through, he backs up to the point where his car is even with mine, rolls down his window and wants to argue with me. I never gave him the chance as verbal barbs began flying from my mouth.
"Hey, dipshit, do you not see that there was a line?"

"Do you realize how rude you're action is?"

"I bet you never wait for anything!"

I bet you don't respect shit!"

"I bet your family hates you!"

"You look like a manager of some sort, I bet your employees want you to jump off the roof of your own fuckin' building!"

"You do realize that they kick people out of Disneyland for cutting in line?" (My personal favorite.)

When I was catching my breath, he quipped, "Don't you want to hear my side of all this?"

"FUCK NO! I COULD GIVE A GOOD FUCK WHAT YOUR STORY IS! WHAT I WANT IS FOR YOU TO BACK UP YOUR PIECE OF SHIT MINIVAN SO I CAN GET GAS, YOU DUMB BASTARD!"

Right about that time, we both got snaked on the spot by another vehicle who pulled in from the other direction. Oh man, that was it. This guy was about to be taken out by verbal bullets...

"See what you did? You fuckin' ruined it! Now neither one of us is gonna get gas anytime soon! Why don't you go home and ruin more shit! Go tell your kids Santa isn't real! Tell 'em the Easter Bunny doesn't exist! Go ruin holidays and shit!"

That must've been it, because rather than wait at the station for another pump to open, he put his vehicle in gear and high-tailed out of the lot, a look of fear on his face. I wasn't proud of my behavior as well as hell of embarassing Q, but a part of me was jubilant that I was so quick witted and sharp tongued, i scared some white guy from evar jumping a line again.

Watch this Vid!

RTT ABChisme - R

RTT RTT ABChisme?

RTT ABChisme - S

RTT She took off her top, and for one second, you found metty attractive but at the same time shielded your eyes because IT WAS YOUR BOSSES TEHTS?

RTT ABChisme - Q

RTT, Quenching the "horse riding" thirst didn't happen because it was past your horse's bedtime?

New Segment

This segment is called: Beautiful people that Barbara tortures herself with...

Exhibit A: Gael



Just look at him! Oa'a I wanna see Blindness!! Everyone else should too! So many exclamations!!!!!

*** OK Im a retard, its Benicio Del Toro who is in Maldeamores (just as good though really) or, Bene as Olga would call him!

RTT ABChisme - P

RTT piffy?

ABChisme - O

RTT On our way home from 'vita's party, my car blew up and you had to walk about a mile in hot red pumps?

RTT ABChisme - N

Rtt never seemed bright in my office until I came to work with a mini-hangover? Now its like the surface of the freakin sun!

Another...

If you can't tell, all these pictures symbolize people at tantus.

OK New Game...

I know we're still in the midst of ABChisme, but I saw a pic online last night and it prompted me to come up with a new game we can play while bangin out the Chiz... I'll post a pic and you have to guess who that pic signifies... sounds good?

OK, the first pic...

RTT ABChisme - M

RTT Metis, with the quiche and the lip crumb and the heads up and the subsequent "yeah thanks, i'm eating."?

RTT ABChisme - L

RTT LAUGHING MY FUCKING ASS OFF watching the "Shopping with Virginiaca" skit from SNL?

"Why cant I be trying these shirts on?!"

"Booty back and forfs, BOOTY BACK AND FORFS!"

(Virginiaca eats corn chips messily)

"Ahh Momma those kern chips are full a trans-fats!!"

"Hush up! I'm gettin my Niacin!"

"Baby, why dont you go down to the Chick Fil-A and get me some nugrets?"

"Where be the Chick-Fil-a?"

"ITS UP THE ESQUALATERR!!"

Oa'a....

"I'm pleasingly lopsided."

RTT ABChisme - K

RTT Kelly, who hates bananas but loves cleansing, bought the master cleanse and it ended up being banana flavor?

RTT ABChisme - J

RTT Jessica saw some dudes smokin herb in a car when we were leaving the mall, so she screams "MARIJUANA CAUSES IMPOTENCE!!!" while leaning across my lap?

RTT ABChimse - I

RTT Inner voices in my head movies force me to kill?

wait, too much info there...



RTT Inward singing isn't as hot as JB made it out to be?

RTT ABChisme- H

RTT had a shitload of fun last night with Tif, her lesbian anti-date, and seeing Neenee and Vianey at Universal?

VP-ku

McCain chose VP
Alaskan Chick with nice gams
worthy? nsm.

RTT A B Chisme - G

RTT Goat, when he first started dating Steely, didn't want to meet us?

RTT AB Chisme - F

RTT Fuck kites?

OK that one doesnt really count as chisme...

RTT ummm ill have to get back to you.

OK, like five minutes later, lol.

RTT FULLY obsessed with Ellen Page?

Are you Readyku?

Season starts tonight!
The New York Football Giants!
Washington Redskins!

It'll be blow-out,
because Washington sucks balls.
Yeah, fuck the Chargers.

OA'A!

The NFL changed up the NFL logo this season.

The Comparison...


I'm sad though, they didn't want to use my submission...

RTT A B Chimse - E

RTT Elmo was proud of the nic "elmo"?

Too long lunch

I am bored, I have been slacking off whilst on the clock, so now I have nothing to do on my break. Shitty. Here are some thoughts of mine:

I need to draw more, even though I cant draw
I need to clean my room and hang up all my clothes (im tired of wearing yesterday's fashions)
I need to start using my highly expensive digital camera, i need to capture the bliss that is my being
i need to stop eating the following items for dinner: sweettarts, trix yogurt, chicken nuggets & vanilla frostys
i need to write on this freakin blog more
i need to become more computer literate so i can do the shiz i wanna do
i need to be a graphic designer (bnr, lol... i do need to design some graphics though)
why is it always so fucking cold in here? i mean seriously i had to change the location of my workstation just to warm up!
why was the kickass vintage store closed when i walked down there? WTF?

p.s. i finally saw the tracey fragments...weirdest movie evar, bnf

RTT AB Chisme - D

RTT Dave is hesistant to bcww with Serene and we're not sure why? Is it his old school vato ethics? His vampy ways? IDK.

RTT A B Chisme - C

RTT Crystal's tehts were fake but that's not what you were told?

RTT A-B-Chisme

RTT Babs' Tia pushed her other Tia and told her she was going to hell for being a bitch liar?

The first rule of day care fight club...

http://www.nwanews.com/adg/News/235429/

RTT A-B-Chisme

Let's play a game. The rules are simple. Every response begins with RTT (remember that time) and the next word has to begin with sequential letters and the subsequent sentence has to be chisme, or gossip, past or present. For example, and to start it off, here's the first attempt...

RTT Ace sucked a ceck, but denies being gay?

So the next one would be RTT B.....?

Note, the first word doesn't have to be a name and the chisme doesn't have to be mutually know of. Get it? Good, then get on it, damnit!

Showerheadington...

dueling banjos, ew
bean flicking in teams is awkward
you disgust me now

God-relations-ku

Godsis! 20 years!
touched like fam, bnr
bcww?

Dance for the Tuna! DANCE I SAY!!!

Well, last night was eventful to say the least. The best part though, were my dreams. They were so good they caused me to sleep in late... I think I have better dreams after drinking wine, I need to make a note of that.

I cant remember the particular order of things anymore, but here are some tidbits that were awesome:

At one point I was late to a wedding, of which Jim from The Office was my date, and I wasnt dressed for the occasion. I did have heels on however and began sprinting to my house with the sun beating down on me. I'm pretty sure I was in National City for this part of the dream. Finally a UPS truck picked me up, but I dont think I ever made it to that wedding.

Later I was just running (during nighttime) with some hooligans, one of which I think was DARRELL from The Office. We just ran into peoples houses while they were watching prime time TV. I have no idea who we were running from.

This next part was loooong and awesome. It was one of those times where during the dream you're like "This is one fucking crazy ass dream!" What happened was I ran into a park with nice grass and trees. There was a big truck, like a delivery truck or armored one or something. Behind it there were two straight lines of chicks, and some other chicks with AK-47s or something. I was running so fast I didnt even notice the formation until an AK chick yelled at me to get back in line. So I did, cause I didnt want to get shot. THEN, she proceeded to make all the girls, myself included, do some sort of rehearsed ballet dance on the grass. Oa'a (Amanda, that means "Oh and, also...) they kept mentioning tuna, like "DANCE FOR THE TUNA!!!" Or something to that effect. Man, I was way below the other girls' skill level! Anyhoozles, I dont know how I got out of that, but I kept thinking "Man, Im a shitty dancer... furthermore, WHAT THE FUCK?"

The last part of my dream, as far as I can remember, was a weird ass gun fight between me with some other people (the good guys) and some random dudes (the bad guys). I dont know what they did to wrong us, and I cant remember how it started. What I do know is that the other "good guys" wouldnt shoot anyone themselves! I had to cap all the naggers myself! Talk about pressure. Also, these guys didnt really convey being in pain or being intimidated, so it made my job kinda hard. The last scene of my dream is this: I had already shot this guy in the guts like twice, and the cops show up. The cop tells me to shoot his balls/dick off, and I'm like "seriously?, ok!" So I shoot him in the groin, and instead of blowing his junk everywhere, it just makes a clean entry hole and a stream of urine starts shooting out of his cock. LIKE URINE IS HELD IN A COCK RESERVOIR! I hate when my dreams are scientifically unsound!

Thats concludes my transmission for this morning.

August 20

Normally, I don't recognize this day. I lost someone very special a few years ago on this day. She's been on my mind and last night, she came to me in my dreams. Together, we re-lived the best of times and the worst, but instead of those events occurring where they had oh so many years ago, all the locales were recent and/or current. I didn't want to wake up and when I eventually did, I was in tears. it had been a while since I had thought of her and a few weeks ago, i found one of her shirts, one I had purchased for her one of her favorite restaurants. It jogged my memories of her and also, tagging along with the sadness was a morsel of guilt; guilt coming from the fact that I had not thought about her in a while. I've been going through so much recently; job transitions, friends coming into town, me going out of town, Q.... basically everything. My mind hasn't had time to wander.

So last night, 8/20/08, she came to me in my dreams to let me know that I'll never forget her and don't beat myself up over feeling guilty about allowing her to temporarily disappear from my thoughts. Re-living all the times we spent together was her way of telling me, "Haro? Look at all this you're remembering about me. Quit trippin' about fogettin' shit. I ain't goin' nowhere!"

Anyway, that how I interpreted that dream. And since I'm sharing, let me tell you a story I've probably shared with you before, but I know Amanda hasn't heard it!!! lol

So, Rachel and i went to the movies this one time. We decided to see what she wanted to see (Swim Fan) since she wasn't happy with the movie I chose the previous time, Undercover Brother. I compromised, as all good boyfriends should. We got to the theater 20 min before the movie was scheduled to start. one thing to know about rachel, she was diagnosed with severe obsessive compulsive disorder and she was very particular about how things should go down.

Ok, getting back to the story. We enter the theater and choose our seats carefully. There were maybe 20 other people in the theater with us. The movie starts and about 15 minutes in, these 2 dark figures, female, come into the theater and make a beeline for the seats directly behind us. the fuckin theater was practically empty and these two women choose to sit behind us. about 3 minutes later, another person enters the theater and I hear the two people skrunch down in their seats. This person then begins to call out, "POOKIE! POOKIE!!!" and when she gets no answer back, spins around and leaves. I realize at that point the two females are using us to hide from this person apparently. After that women's departure, these two females begin having a conversation. Like I said, Rachel being ocd and particular, twisted her head around and not holding anything back, said "Would you please shut the fuck up."

The girls (I had determined they were not in fact women, but actually teenagers) told Rachel to shut up her self and sucked their teeth. At this point, the woman who was seeking this pookie person came back in. Like clockwork, the two girls once again took their hiding positions.

"POOOOOOKIE! POOOOOOOKIE! I know you in here!

POOOOOOOOOOOOOKIE, GOD DAMNIT!"

She once again departed, which was the girls' cue to begin chatting again. Now, all I want to do is stifle any possible conflicts so I turn around and tell them to please either stop talking or move somewhere else where they could talk all they want and not disturb anyone since there wasn't a whole lot of people watching this shit movie. One of them replies "Shit, fuck that! you move!" keeping in mind that we got there 20 minutes before and they got there 15 minutes into, I advised them as such. You think they cared?

Sucking of the teeth.

Finally, I had had enough. I asked them if I needed to go get the usher, although I was already heading down the isle of seats with that intention when one of them replied "You can go git anyone you wanna go git!"

By this time we had caused such a ruckus, people had stopped watching Swim Fan and watched what was happening live. So, the girl says what she says and i reply with "Ok, well, how about if I go get you momma, your name is POOOOOOOKIE! isn't it?"

That brought down the house, all 20 of them. I walked toward the doors and looked behind to see the 2 girls following me out. Exiting, I held the door for them and saw they looked to be like 12-13 years old. One of the girls hid her face as she passed me, looking obviously embarrassed and second, the teeth sucker, was this fat little girl with bad skin and some stink eye action. She looked up at me with her stink eye and I sucked my teeth at her, then promptly pointed them out the passing usher, who then led them to their mom/auntie/baby momma who had been looking for them.

When i went back in, I got a standing ovation.... all 20 of them.... and Rachel.

Apropoku, BNF

Remember that play?
Bill Shakespeare? A guy? A Gal?
Such a Capulet.

Healthy diet

My first class this semester is "Fundamentals of Nutrition"

I just had SweetTarts for dinner. I'm totally gonna Ace that shit!!

Furthermore, today is my cat's birthday so I woke up extra early to make his favorite dessert.

Adding der insult to der injury

Infected

Monkey from Outbreak...
Mononucleosis
I will fall asleep!

Bankin' It Old School!

SAW = Such a Woman = Danny.... nuff said.

Nostraobvious-ku

I'm Prediction King!
Your "No's" smell of withhold scent.
Nostraobvious!

alternate last stanza bonus...

The Caller of It.

The Phantom of the Opera

First off, I have to say it was awesome... and anyone who can sing like that for two performances a day should just get like a purple heart or something.

OK, now. For the important part... During the intermission I had an epiphany: I am hilarious. Armed with this knowledge, I turn to J and say, "We should totally be like a two person one man band!" My proposal is this: He will be the soundtrack to my funny! That could totally work right? I figure in like 3 weeks we should have our Comedy Central special in the works. Still have to work out all the kinks, but for now we will be specializing in:

1. Rockin'
2. Inward singing
3. Physical comedy (mostly J's... he's a natural)

Daytime Emmys here I come!!!

THE BANK

DBHITC!: Don't Blow Him in the Car! (A Warning/Advice)

OK, this one is rarely applicable... unless you are stuck in a car with an elderly yogi, who is extensively trained in the ancient Nepalese art of seduction.

And by extensively, I mean NSM. And by Nepalese, I mean near the H Street trolley station.

NEGLECT...

I have been neglecting this blog. Shame on me!

Dark Knight say what?

OK, so a friend, who shall remain nameless (but her initials are oa'a), sent me this article after I complained about one aspect of the new dark knight movie.

http://movies.msn.com/movies/article.aspx/?news=325482>1=28101

hahaha... IM NOT THE ONLY ONE! i win

My personal take, I love how they bring in adam west, that show doesnt count! that shit was so campy and the first batman movies held on to the campiness of the tv show a little bit, but these new movies dropped any link whatsoever, thank god.

oa'a, its interesting to see them them observe bale's batman is the raspiest but these are all prequels so from where I sit, batman learned to enunciate as he got "older". maybe he got tired of comish gordon sayin "what?"

The Old Hollywood Squares

This is what I grew up on, good ol', old fashion homogenized filth, thanks to the old Hollywood Squares Game Show. Some of the names you won't know, but trust me... enjoy the funnay...



Q. Do female frogs croak?
A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.

Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be?
A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.

Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.

Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?
A. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.

Q. According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married?
A. Rose Marie: No; wait until morning

Q.Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.

Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say 'I Love You'?
A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty.

Q. What are 'Do It,' 'I Can Help,' and 'I Can't Get Enough'?
A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.

Q.As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking?
A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget!


Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.

Q.Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries.. Are you going to get any during the first year?
A. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.

Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score?
A Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.

Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is politics, what is the other?
A.. Paul Lynde: Tape measures.

Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.

Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.

Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?
A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?

Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.

Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
A.. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.

Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it?
A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn't neglected.

Q.Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do ?
A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.

Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?
A.. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?

Q.When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?
A. Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car, the rest is up to him.


Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
A. Charley Weaver: His feet.

Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?
A. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh!

Bankin' it

nsm - not so much. "Your right teht is nice. Your left? nsm."

ceckmouf (n,v,adj,pn etc...) - stimulating the male genitalia orally. "You went ceckmouf on his ass!"

You might hate this but...

I got a joke...

A divorced man meets his ex-wife's new husband at a party.

After knocking back a few drinks, the ex goes over to the new guy and slurs "Sho... How do you like using shecond hand shtuffs?"

"It isn't all that bad at all really," The new husband replies. "Past the first 2 inches, it's all brand new."

2nd Base-ku

Acro-mix ku!

RTT?
Felated MA?
Tantric Releasings!

The Hector Nectar
Is tinged with peach flavorings
Or so I've been told.

The Dark Knight-ku

We both agree, best movie based on a comic book hero evar. So good, I feel the need to ku.

My best description?
dark knight was very gritty
like sand on your couch

To quote The Joku

Do you like magic?
watch this pencil disappear
why so serious?


and you gotta love the hidden haiku in Dent's dialogue.

You die a hero
or live long enough to see
self as a villain

The return ku

INTERWEBZ RETURN!
blogemailmyspaceforums
can't forget teh pron.

Alliteration Ku

stoner stacking shit
smoking silently, inside
psuedo legit job

Picture this...

in a sedan, then you will truly know, mobile ashtanga.

Meditation Ku

Mobile ashtanga

yoga seduction techniques

Aaaaannd, now you are sick.

Best job evar, with ku

So yesterday, my daily craigslist job search search netted this one ad...

Warehouse / Counter sales

Entry level position

Counter sales, strong communication skills required.

Must be bondable.

Must be willing to follow orders and able to lift 70lbs easily

Hours 10:00am to 6:30pm mon to sat


I'm sayin to myself, "Hell, close to home, simple warehousing and countersales, easy shit, besides, i need a job! I send my resume and a brief description as to why I, someone most consider overqualified, can do the job. So today, i get a call from one of the owners of the store, a hydroponic supply warehouse store.... yeah, hydroponics...

So I go in for my "interview", which wasnt really an interview. it was more of a meeting of each other. as soon as the guy called me and told me the job and business, i could tell he was a stoner. as soon as he said, not an interview, more of a meeting of peoples" I though to myself, great, we'll prolly sit around smokin' a blunt or something... lol.
anyway, i get there and sure enough, there's one sickly little older guy working behind the counter and the other, a shirt and tie guy who turns out to be the owner I had spoken with earlier. he's asking me all this pointed questions, trying to get an answer out of me.

"Have you ever been in a hydroponic store before?"

"Are you aware of the clientel who primarily purchases supplies from us?"

"Do you have a problem with selling products and supplies to customers who's primary crop is marijuana?"

"Do you mind being paid under the table?"

In this order... Yes, yes, no and Mind? Are you fuckin' kiddin' me? HELL NO I DON'T MIND!

To confirm his stonerness, he basically said he don't care what is done off duty, but he strictly enforces a no smoking rule while at work or on the property. I have no problem with that!

He said I was the last person "met with" and that he'd call me tonight one way or the other. About 2 hours later, I got the call and was offered the gig. I start tomorrow at noon. will hammer out the details manana, but FY!


Got a job, betches!
Two weights lifted from shoulders
New Job, no drug test!

CTFU

http://www.illwillpress.com/hcf22.html

Hate and Ku

Hate me for writing boring ku, i dont care.

Having no job sucks
Being hated on sucks too
Why make the effort?

Off topic... Don't know why, I guess it's because I got alot of time on my hands, but the story I was told yesterday about the coworker has really bothered me. If this is a such a good friend, they need to sack up and admit their bitchiness. I hate the fact that they're referred to as the "New Alex" because that's something Alex would never do. I mean, fuck it, I'll make you cry but it'll more then likely be tied to some prank and I won't just leave it all unresolved.

More hating you so much, less ku!

Went by a couple of the places I had previously interviewed for before I got the job I got fired from... hey, rtt I got fired by a figurative crackhead? anyway... walked into a few places and 3 out of the 4 the hr guy/gal wasn't in, but one was... in. I made with the pleasantries and inquired if there was any work. The guy looked at me from across his desk and it was almost like I could read his mind...

Man, check this guy out. He came in here a few months back, over qualified and wanted to wash some fuckin' dishes. He cooks, but never as a job, I got a posish, but there's no way I'm going to hire this guy. he'll probably move on the first chance he gets."

Or something to that affect. After staring at me for what seemed like 5 minutes, he said he had nothing available at the moment and I thanked him for his time. As I walked out the door, I had a movie scene in my mind, can't tell you specifically which one, but it was a job interview scene, they told this character they had nothing, he turned on his heel and headed toward the door, then spun back around and stomped back to where the interviewee was sitting. He leans in and begins screaming in her face, spittle peppering the person's cheeks. After that wet, onsided confrontation, the guy turns back around and walks out. I wish I had the balls to do that.

Last night's dream.

I had a dream last night that I was in some sort of classroom setting but it was outside. We were all sitting in desks, the kind that are attached to chairs, watching a video on a projector screen. All around us in the bleachers were some type of primates, baboons I think because they were really mean looking. Some of them were normal, blackish brown but others were a neon orange and yellow color. We couldnt move at all or else they would attack. Why the hell were we conducting class there then?!?!? Then, during the film, Barack Obama starts walking through the aisles of students and I whisper to him how much Suzette wants to be on his campaign team, and hes like "Yes ok" but I can tell hes blowing me off. Then all the baboons leave, with their zoo wranglers or whatever.... whew what a relief!

Thats all I remember.

nothing ku

there's nothing to do.
yeah, absolutely nothing.
positively zilch.

Later-ku

Official Ghet' Girl
Sake Appreciation
Copolla Cab Sav


Nagger wanted you
Lusted over by Pride Dykes
Chopper sends his love

Cal Berk Campanile
HW while Naggers Naggered
XANADU... DU... DU!

Today-ku

Today is the day
All set for your arrival
I cleaned up ghetto

Told the bums, "Dont beg!"
Told the naggers, "Don't nagger!"
told cops, "No sirens!"


Today is the day
but job dropped the axe on me
Good, hated that job

Birth-Ku!

It's your day of birth
'Twas 21 years ago
Bangry graced the Earth

Babs, it been a little over 3 years since I've had the utmost pleasure and honor to befriend you. My life has been enriched by our friendship and it is my hope that the next 21 years provides you with good life, good health, love and happiness.

You've got a best friend in me and I'll always be there for you.

ILYSM... Alex.

2 more days BTW

Shirk-ku

None since saturday
obligatory entry
neglect avoided

Deposit to the 666th

Sinc-lebrities - Celebrities who think they are attractive, but are really not cute at all.

SINC

Other than the obvious...

Rumer Willis





Jamie Lynn Sigler





Ashlee Simspon







Tori Spelling





Tara Reid

Anticipate-ku

One more fuckin week
The whole ghetto is anxious
Well, me anyway.

Sandra Chantelle

Today my sister would be sixteen... ah how life would be different. Its amazing how after fourteen years of living without someone you could still want them around so bad. I only knew my sis for 2 years, but I feel like I can imagine everything about how she would be now, at 16. I think we would look almost identical, because we did look like twins as babies. Other than that, she would probably just be driving my dad insane with her boy-craziness and attitude (she had quite the 'tude at two), of course she would have it easier off than I did (because I softened him up for her). Sweet sixteen, crazy.

Derby Name suggestions

OK, so... even though BC didn't pan out doesn't mean the fountain of derby names should cease, right? These are rapper themed for that innah sistah...




Missy Helliott

Snoop Quaddy-Quad

RUN AWAYFROMME (DMC... yeah that was a reach)

Notorious B.A.B.

Babsy Smallz

Haikusa Nostra Storefront

Check out the storefront.

I will ku

They don't say "I do"

"I will" is substituted

What's the fuckin' dif?


Oh yeah, the pastor?

Beard just like Anton Lavey

Yes... Church of Satan.


Q, me, danced all night

occasionally? shared some tears.

Frequently? good times.



Thinking of her time

when some scruffy guy asks me

to give her away



Aaand...

Baked Bread cinnamons

Forgot over the weekend

wadab...

Another Deposit

mobile apartment: when someone lives in their car
mobile bar & grille (aka MBAG): when someone is drunk all the time or in innappropriate settings (such as school)

Fuck my life Ku

Jerome is all drunk
He loves to use the word Fag
Hmm, projecting much?

Tryin to sleep ku

So, it's like 130 am, i gotta be up and in hayward @ 830 and karoeke night is still in full swing downstairs. oh yeah, did I mention how hot it is right now too? anyway...

Please, shut the fuck up!
You butcherer of Marvin!
for the love of god!

When you hit that note
while singing "let's get it on"
Gaye's Ghost will get you!

OH YEAH! and drunk betch!
Yeah you! In that fuckin' wig!
You ain't Aretha!

You can't sing like her
R-E-S-P-E-C-NO!
but you big like her


furthermore, since I'm up, I discovered something... in a cave. It lay among the ruins of an ancient land. what was it, you ask? Why, a ku, of course. Written a long time ago... chiseled into a stone tablet... at the foot of the altar of the patron saint of sarcasm, Saint Ihate Yousomuch... he was russian..... bnr.

Seriously, it should be the official HN ku!

Haikusa Nostra
This thing of ours that we share
You are so Fredo.

Bad TV ku

Reality rules
airwaves are inundated
with addictive poo

sadomasochists
trannies demanding money
immo beat you down

Continual ku

CleftySincisjustabouttheugliestbitchIhaveeverseen

Bitch ku

Why I love a bitch?
Not fuck love, baby mom love
Oh yeah, QUERIDA!

As bad as i bitch
Bemoaning situation
she still my homie


ROLL OUT!

High ku

I used to get high
All the goddamn, fuckin' time
My drug now? Haiku

I know about the video issues...

but if you could see this video clip, you would be ctfu.


Hilarious DUI Test - Watch more free videos

Debt ku

I frequently wish
debt monster pursues no more
it will die with me

Anoche...

Dont you love it when theres a cherry on top of your evening? Yesh, me too! So yesterday I left work early to get some rest because this blasted cold wont go away. Anyways, rest I couldnt get... I just couldnt fall asleep for whatever reason. So finally after watching SYTYCD and Top Chef I decided to hit the sack... but not before taking a pre-bedtime pee break. So I walk into the main commode of our home (now shared by 3 people) and I'm like "Ew, someone just dropped a load in here..." Well I lift the seat, and no no no... they LEFT their load in there. WTF!!!!!! Are we three year olds people? Are we still afraid to hear the toilet flush? (was that just me? shut up!) It was so gross, all disintegrated-ey from sitting in the water. So Im like, whatevs and I flush it... Heres the cherry.... it doesnt want to go down!

I LOOOOOOVE when Im not feeling well and at 11pm right before bed I get to plunge someone else's albondiga-esque turds in my pajamas... dont be jealous.

Here's a 'ku in its memory:

Albondiga shit
dancing with soppy T.P.
gross toilet sopa

IKI-ku

Much hilarity
Funny 'til it gets to me
The killer of it.

For clarification purposes only...

I really did see Arnold Schwarschenakljfakjhekahe (whatever, you get it) in Starbucks today... it was rather anti-climactic. What happened was me and my coworker went into the beverage facility and were sitting down (I had my back to the door) when my friend goes "OOh Look!". Now, the tone she used when saying this made me ABSOLUTELY SURE that I would turn around and find the most fluffiest cutest adoreablest puppy ever behind me (because we are in Little Italy where there are a pleothera of puppies). So I turned around with my eyes pointed toward the ground, but alas, no puppy. So I then move upwards and my eyes fall upon the Governator, snakeskin boots and all, talking on his cellie with his "entourage" of Secret Service cronies. Needless to say, I was sad... I wanted to see a puppy!!! So yeah, he had one of the SS guys order for him and all the onlookers were taking up all the space in the place, it sucked. I wanted to get the hell outta there because claustrophobia was setting in, but Pam was like "Lets sit here and drink our shit" so I was like "FINE FUCK!!!!!!!" I then proceeded to ask Pam if she was going to embarrass herself by taking a photo of the flesh-encapsuled robot governor to which she replied "I dont even have my phone with me!" So I said, "not only do I have my phone niftily (its a word) equipped with a camera, I ALSO have my digital camera in my purse..." she goes "TAKE A PICTURE THEN!!!" UH, no Pam, I have C-L-A-S-S. What the FUCK am I gonna do with a picture of Arnold Schwarchenheimen anyway? I rest my case.

Today I saw the Governator in Starbucks...

arnold in starbucks
GET OUT OF MY WAY AGHGHHAHH!!!!!!
hit the ground crying...

*** bonus line ***

scarred for life by muscle mass

i think it works equally well with or without the bonus dont you?

Overtime and Mental Stability kus

Saturday hours
Crazy pace, yet accepted
I think I'm insane.

I am serious
Working 8 hours straight thru
I think I'm insane.

Yeah, seriously
Hornet's nest, begin to end
I think, yeah... you know.

Impatience

I'm going to scream
He said he'd call but hasn't
Just fucking call, bitch!

He has zero clue
My life hangs in the balance
Meanwhile, he diddles

Can't ask Goat again
He'll rip my goddamn head off
An ulcer forms now

FYI, this IS about roller derby.

I noticed something

An old Stuart Smalley SNL skit was on the other day and I noticed something. His affirmation is a haiku...

I am good enough
smart enough and doggone it
(the) people like me

So yeah, you got that goin' for you!




I got nothing.

Banked to 666th National

RTT? - remember that time?

WRUD? - what r u doing?

Acro 'ku

RTT?
IHYSMRN
WRUD?

Drive by 'ku

Shell casings at rest
all marked by evidence tents
life and death roll by

The other day, I was going home for lunch. it was 1:45pm or so. peaceful for the inner city, quiet. Got home, ate, emailed and chatted. Heading back to work, I took the same route as before, but this time, in the span of an hour... a side street was cordoned off by police tape. As I passed, I saw the reason for the roadblock; the area had been the scene of a drive by shooting where one 18 year old male was killed. On the ground were little yellow triangles marking where the shell casings had landed. these "evidence tents", as they are referred to by law enforcement, were all over the street, maybe as many as 25-30.

In my lifetime, I've seen violence and the aftermath of such violent acts before, but it still shakes a person up when you see something like that. Something no one should get used to seeing/experiencing.

Anyway, felt compelled to write the 'ku above.

Work 'ku

Why is it so calm,
before I assume duties?
After, Hell breaks loose

Smell from the landfill
permiates my nostrils
Now that's all I smell.



About my attempt at a healthy breakfast menu

Substantial apples
Breakfast for the last two weeks
I'm so over it.

Triumphant "Fuck you" Ku

Here is my first ku...Ahem!

I'm leaving, bitches
Fuck your hippy attitude
Who will score points now?

P.S. All my kus will be about roller derby.

Car Troubles... Oh Woe is Me

my car is satan
his horns are in my engine
keeping me from work

damn asshole gary
sold me a lemon carro
i could choke a foo'

Haikusa Nostra

I began to think about ways to label and/or market this thing we have (not that I'm trying to change IHYSM and other Haikus or anything) and while writing this afternoon's welcome steely 'ku, I typed "Haikusa Nostra" like it was nothing, just flowed out. Then, if I may toot me own horn here, I saw the genius in it.

See, I thought about the haikus Babs and myself had written, will continue to write and how some, most and maybe all readers would think is bad. Naturally, from bad haikus, the word "Badku" came to mind. i thought "BADKU! FUCKIN GENIUS!" After bragging to Babs that I was a damn savant, I googled badku and was immediately brought crashing back down to earth. Right there at the top of the page was badku.com. Babs agreed that I was a savant, an IDIOT savant.

So, worst story evar worster evarer? Haikusa Nostra, a take on La Cosa Nostra, Italian for "This thing We Have" also known as the American Italian Mafia.

I got plans betches.

Welcome 'ku

In honor of Steely Muthafuckin Jan joining this Haikusa Nostra, a welcoming 'ku

New contributor
Old Comrade of the struggle
No five-six-five 'kus!!!!

And speaking of the struggle, aka, working at Tantus

It was a struggle
being employed by crazies
We all have moved on

Welcome Steels!

1 'ku, 2 'ku, 3'ku!

Like minds think alike
But we volley mind bullets
That's Telekinesis Kyle

Gorillas in the Mist
Regal, beautiful creatures
Hands make great ashtrays.



So now I know birth
Rather a small glimpse of it
Blew out my O ring.

bitchy girls abound
judgmental stares pierce you cold
why are you so great?

LARGE deposit to the 666th national bank

iki = i killed it
yki = you killed it
ikm = i kill me/myself
irm = i redeemed myself (occurs rarely)
ihysm = i hate you so much
acrostand = to understand an acronym (without help)
acrotrans = to translate an acronym into its full wordage form
CP = chickpaunts
MB = man bitch
sinc = she is not cute
ct = club tit
faspc = fetal alcohol syndrome poster child (a personal favorite)
SI = so inappropriate


aaaaaaaaaand............ last but not least (for now)





KD = Kegel Down!!!

depression ku

sudden change of mood
now no desire to work
or even leave bed

666th National Bank of Acronyms and other deposit worthy statements and whatnot

We agreed, the very first quote that is also the very first "bank it"....

I'm wet now, thanks.

iwnt.

Rhyme 'ku

RTT?
I attempted haiku rhyme?
I think it's a sign.

continual wine
prolonged period of time
anyone'll shine.

blues night from below
the dulcet tones under toe
flow and rise, you know?

IMO, those weren't that bad. The following howefer...

Tired and sleepy and tired
ready to curl up and rest
gotta move lube first

While away haikus

The last two haiku
searched for one word to describe
unfavorable


RTT?
forever highway driving?
four hours away

aaaand....

of hotdogs, thin lips
of cankles, tiny peeners
mobile apartment

speaking of hotdogs

lazy ass fat betch
finally got the boot, yay
will miss organics ...

OK.

Afternoon 'kus

You talk forever.
Did you even take a breath?
didn't sound like it.

I gotta go back
If this haiku reaches you
hotdogs and skin rings.

Wednesday Morning 'ku

Had talk with my boss
He is very much like Ace
but not a crackhead.

Bonus stanza!

Oh yeah, and the sucking of the cock but not being the gay.

Ugh Haiku

CLEFTY SINC takes pics
i should just get over it
but she is NOT CUTE!

My First Day Laborer

I live in the ghetto, let's get that out of the way right now. On the plus side, I live above a bar named Rudy's Place. Don't know who Rudy is, but it doesn't matter. If it was named Irene's, muthafuckas would still show up. The negative aspects of living above a bar? Firstly, I don't drink... much. Secondly, it's a bar in the ghetto. Thirdly, its a loud bar in the ghetto. Fourthly, ghetto. I actually grew up running around these streets so living where I wreaked havok as a young cholo is comforting in many ways. Rather than run off another set of firstly, secondly's, trust me, there are many.

Talking of ghettos and dive bars, I want to get to the real subject of this first non haiku blog from myself. The building that plays host to myself and Rudy's Place is almost 100 years old. When I moved in, there was this old clawfoot cast iron bathtub. This thing weighed in at a whopping 400 lbs. It was in good shape, but it still had to go. I had been planning to get to moving it and after a short period of lethargy, the day had come. I had arranged for help, but at the last minute, my help was no where to be found. I had the truck lined up, but there was no way i was moving this tub by myself. I resigned myself to the fact that free help wasn't going to happen, so i cruised by the local hardware superstore in search of the perfect day laborer, hence forth referred to as "daylabe".

Now, keeping in mind this tub has to go down some stairs, I'm looking for some strong daylabes. It was a veritable meat market of them. I had witnessed before how the daylabe would swarm other vehicles in search of work. I didn't want to cause the same chaos so I pulled up not making any eye contact. After I parked, I saw this guy and tried to discretely call him over. After seeing me gesture towards him, he does the last thing I want him to do, sprint, full gallop, right at me. This starts the avalanche. The second, third and fourth guy to sprint up to me were all collectively about 6 foot tall. Yeah, no. The fifth however, although older seemed the right guy for the job. I felt like I was some john setting up a date, then remembered, daylabes don't sleep around.

We got back to my apt and tried to explain in my broken, crappy spanish how they should take it down the flight of steps. They looked at me, nodding their heads and in the end, they did it their own way. WTG.

After taking the tub to the local metal recyclers, I gave them a little more for their effort and because I got a bit more money than I thought I would. When I drove them back to where I picked them up, I thanked them and bough them couple waters too. In the parking lot, I was confronted by some passive aggressive betch who scolded me for supporting illegal labor, illegal immigration and illegal activities. If she would've said illegal one more time, I was going to pay the daylabes somethin extra to kick her ass. Seriously, I shined her on because she didn't help me move the tub.

Anyway, the reason why I felt compelled to write about daylabes is because while alot of people think it's a bad thing for them to loiter about like grandma snuggies, i beg to differ. At least they are dedicated to trying to earn some money by getting up early in the morning and standing around on the off chance you'll get chosen among the others individuals looking for the same opportunities. They're not going around, taking the easy routes like theft or dealing or other nefarious activities. They just want to work.

They want to survive. and the will to survive is a trait almost everyone has in their genetic makeup. Why should they be ridiculed for trying to survive? Most "Americans" have lost touch with their ancestry, but each and every American came from an immigrant, with the exception of Native Americans. Be it political, religious or financial, all of our forefathers came in search of something better. They could've laid down and died where they were, but their will to survive was strong, just as the daylabes. Next time you see a "huddled mass" wanting to provide a service, even if you don't need the help, consider what they could be doing to make money and be thankful.

GreetingHaiku #2

two wordy people
one blog to share between us
Oh, the fun shit we'll have stir!

fixed!

Haiku #1: Greeting

new blog abounding
readers everywhere rejoice
banter royalty